DISASTER AT THE FIRST TURN!
Bad news folks, my first review is going to have to be changed. I was planning to review 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button', the new film with Brad Pitt, but could not, as every seat in the cinema was sold out.
I apoligise if anyone was looking forward to this specific review, but I have had to pick a different film instead.
I decided to get things off to a flying start with the cult classic, Manos : The Hands Of Fate.
Manos : The Hands of Fate is a horrifically dull film, but most of all, an absolute bastard to review because NOTHING HAPPENS!
There is, of course, a vague story, but it is forgotten through awful dialogue, awkward pauses and terrible cuts that, at first, made me think the DVD was skipping.
The movie starts with a man, his wife, their daughter and the family dog going on holiday. The husband's first line is "I have never gotten us lost before", so we can pretty much assume they are about to get lost.
The moment the little girl spoke, I knew something was wrong. Hang on, that's not her speaking! I paused the film and looked it up. Because of the way it was filmed, all the voices in this movie had to be re-recorded, but only three people were available. That's right, three people did every voice in this thing, and none of them had much range.
The music used as the family drive sounds like the theme from a 1970s prono. This normally wouldn't seem much of a problem if its in the background, but in this film its all you hear, because they drive around uneventfully for about fifteen minutes!
The only break is when they get pulled over for having a broken tail-light, but since the police officer is voiced by the same man as the father, the whole scene sounds like a guy with schizophrenia.
Anyway, they eventually end up at, I don't know, some kind of house, or shed, or something. It is guarded by Torgo. Now, I think he is supposed to be a Satyr, you know, the half man, half goats? Really, he just looks like a tramp with big legs.
Torgo keeps making cryptic references to 'The Master'. We see a spooky painting of The Master and his pet hell-hound, but this isn't enough to freak out the Stupidsons, who decide to stay the night, much to Torgo's dismay.
During the night, their poodle is torn to shreds, but the daughter doesn't seem to mind, as she has made friends with The Master's demonic doberman. She says something about being in a dark place but not being scared. It is now we are introduced to The Master.
From this point on, you are going to wish you were back watching the family drive around in silence.
The Master, or, I assume, Manos, although nobody calls him this, looks a little bit like a deeply pissed off Freddie Mercury. He is wearing a robe similar to those t-shirts slutty girls wear, that look like someone with paint on their hands has grabbed their breasts, except the hands on this robe are about five feet long. On occasions you can actually see this guy's rolled-up jeans under the red and black poncho.
The Master is surrounded by his dozen or so wives, who Torgo enjoys touching up while they are asleep. When they all wake up, they discuss whether they should be joined in their eternal lives by just Mrs Stupidson, or her daughter as well. They cannot decide, so instead, they wrestle in a very homoerotic (lesboerotic?) way, which is hilarious to listen to, since all the arguing voices are being done by one very over-worked woman.
The husband somehow finds out about their plans, and decides to put a stop to them. While he gets his gun, the master decides to kill Torgo for some undisclosed reason. He does this by gettiing his wives to just sort of, wail on Torgo, slapping him about and pulling his hair. Then they put his hand in a fire, and he runs off, sleeve alight, never to be seen or heard of again.
At this point, Mr Stupidson walks in and begins shooting The Master to no effect, who begins walking towards the screen as the camera fades out.
Our final scene shows two girls driving out in the country, only to stop and find Mr Stupidson doing the job that Torgo once did, DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMMM!
This film is awful. I cannot actually put into words how badly produced it is. For a start, you can't actually hear many of the lines, there are only two peices of music, and it looks like it was filmed on a camera-phone.
This, of course, doesn't make it bad. Some of the finest horror movies were made with practically no budget.
What makes it bad is that unlike most cheap horrors, where a lack of special effects leads to a better story and more suspense, in this film, simply nothing happens.
It is also incredibly tasteless. At the end, we see that The Master has claimed both mother AND young daughter as his wives, hinting at pedophilia.
It's probably worth watching just so you can see how unbeleivably bad it is.
Oh, and by the way, translated, the title is 'HANDS :The Hands of Fate'.
VERDICT - OH...MY...GOD...
For MANOS info, go to http://imdb.com/title/tt0060666/