Saturday, 14 February 2009

Bride Wars



IT'S THE BIGGEST PILE OF CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN

VERDICT - KILL YOURSELF, BUT DON'T GO AND SEE THIS

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Howard The Duck

AN HOUR AND 50 MINUTES OF ME, YOU LUCKY PEOPLE

video

3 Ninjas : High Noon At Mega Mountain

I SPENT TIME ON THIS VIDEO, SO ENJOY IT, OR ELSE

Hey folks! Really starting to regret saying I would do this daily now, since it's about 4.30am *yawn* but I am managing.
Today for something a bit different, I have included a video review I made for a film called "3 Ninjas : High Noon At Mega Mountain", a truly reprihensible film...enjoy!

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

The Producers

A TREAT FOR ME

Having grown weary over the past 2 days from reviewing a duo of truly reprehensible films I decided today would be a treat for me in reviewing a favourite of mine, this came in the form of the 2004 musical comedy 'The Producers' written and produced by Mel Brooks, creator of some of the greatest comedies to be immortalised in celluloid in the past 40 years.




This film continues to show his quick wit and love of farce and double entente. To set the scene, the film takes place in 1950s Manhattan where struggling theatrical producer Max Bialystock, played perfectly by Nathan Lane, attempts to regain the popularity of his plays had at the height of his career. His latest play 'Funny Boy' (A musical adaptation of Hamlet) closes after one night. A member of the chorus announces “we've seen shit, but never like this” and “what he did to Shakespeare, Boothe did to Lincoln”.
Bialystock receives a visit from an accountant, Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick) the day after 'Funny Boy' closes, who goes over his books. He finds that Bialystock raised more money than was needed, and so had kept $1000 dollars for himself. While considering this, Bloom realises that technically, a producer could make more money with a unsuccessful play, than one could with a hit, simply by raising more money than is needed, and putting on a cheap flop which is then closed.
They find a script, 'Springtime For Hitler', but it becomes a surprise smash when the actor who plays Hitler is so hilariously awful and camp, people find it a work of satirical genius.
They find themselves in a situation where they have sold a few thousand percent of the shares to raise the funds, all over the shareholders expecting to be paid back.

The thing is the story isn't the crucial element behind this film's brilliance. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice, quirky, clever little story but what really makes the film shine are the actors and more importantly the chemistry between them all. Broderick and Lane clearly get on well, allowing for a more relaxed, natural performance from both giving the viewer a real sense of the fun they had whilst filming.

Another major aspect of the film's greatness is the music. The themes in the music such as the 'big band' orchestration makes the viewer feel as if they are being transported back into the era in which the film is set. The music is catchy, upbeat and the lyrics are hilarious. I think it really helped that most of the main cast performed in the stage production. Usually in film musicals, the performances are toned down because the cameras and sound equipment show the performance more intimately, but in 'The Producers', it has been kept with the feel of a stage musical, which is very refreshing to see.

Most of all, this film contains the Mel Brooks wit. Little jokes weave into bigger ones, visual comedy one would easily miss, like a joke on a poster in the background, and many contemporary references in a film set around 50 years in the past. Every joke in it is perfect. It is obvious that each line has been rewritten again and again, filmed over and over until they all fit together perfectly.

The film is fresh, funny, clever, and contains brilliant musical numbers, bringing fond nostalgia of the old classic big band numbers from the 50s.

VERDICT – IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO ENJOY

Monday, 9 February 2009

Goodburger

SECOND DAY IS NOT MUCH BETTER

Whilst going through my excessive DVD collection yesterday, deciding finally on Manos, I found some movies I haven't seen in ages, and some even, that I haven't seen at all.
One movie was a complete surprise. I don't remember buying it, there is no sign on the disc that it was a freebie, so I thought 'what the hell' and decided to review it.
That film was Goodburger.



This film falls into the 'self-racism' category, where black people make a black film for other black people, so full of sterotypes that they may as well have hired Al Jolson to do the whole thing using Golly dolls as puppets.
It stars Kenan and Kel of 'The Kenan And Kel Show' fame. For those who can't remember, Kenan is the fat one and Kel is the idiot.

From the moment you see 'Nickelodeon Movies', you know this is not going to be the best film you ever see, and this is confired by the inclusion of flying talking burgers within a minute of viewing.
Kel plays a fry cook at the local Goodburger fast food restaurant, and he clearly enjoys being cool and dumb, as he sings a song about being a dude as he skates to work.
The first real 'joke' in this movie is when Kel, or 'Ed', becomes tangled in a skipping rope, and drags a girl no older than 8 across the concrete, her head smashing into the ground as she goes...hilarious.
This tasteless humour continiues as he knocks over a young mother, effectively stealing her baby, accidentally swaps it for a ball with a group of basketball players who then DUNK THE BABY!

This is sick, and its a bloody kid's film!

Finally arriving at work, we meet the staff of Goodburger, Fat Manager, Old Man, Nerdy White Boy, Nerdy White Girl, and Black Girl. Unsurprisingly, Black Girl (I didn't bother to note down any real names) is the only other employee with a real main part.

After it explained that there is a new 'Mondo Burger' opening soon which threatens to close Goodburger, we cut to Kenan asleep in school, being taught by the badly-wigged Mr Stereotype. He is wearing dico gear on whioch is written 'Black And Proud', and 'Black Is Beautiful'. If the Nazis had been black, they would have made films like this.

Back to Goodburger, where Kel is sent on an urgent delivery. Of course, he doesn't usually do this, but the delivery boy, O'Mally, has been fired for showing up at work with no trousers on. (Stupid Irish jokes, really?)
Anyway, in the next 10 minutes or so (I am not explaining in detail, because the film-makers really over-complicated this bit) Kel skates in front of Kenan's car and Kenan crashes into Mr Stereotype's car, messing up his afro. Unfortunately, Kenan has 'borrowed' his mum's car, and without a license or insurance, his teacher is going to call the police, as much as he would hate, and I quote "putting a black man in jail".
Kenan decides to get a summer job, and will pay his teacher's repair bills over the summer.
When he tries at Mondo Burger, he doesn't do well enough for the harsh, relentless, evil, WHITE managers.
That's right, the only parts for white people are as baddies. If you wanted a smaller part, you could be one of the all-white evil Mondo Burger employees. In fact, the tiny parts, as long as they are either rude or nerdy, are filled by white people.

Kenan manages to get a job at Goodburger, but the opening of Mondo Burger essentially puts them out of business, making the manager have to feed his mother cat food. (I am not making this up, this stuff actually happens!)
They are soon back in business when Kel makes a sauce so good that everyone comes back to Goodburger.
Kenan uses Kel's stupiditiy to get 80% of the money made for doing nothing, and this is the good guy.

Mondo Burger catch on to this, and attempt to steal the sauce ingredients using a hot girl who Kel actually hospitalises, and go as far as putting Kenan and Kel into a mental institution, where we get to meet unhilarious, scarily realistic patients. One particualr psychopath catches the attention of Kel, and they fall in love, even though she burns things, and breaks into zoos to free Kangaroos.

While Kenan and Kel are missing, Mondo Burger employees sneak into Goodburger and put Shark Poison into the special sauce, but before any tension is allowed to build up, we cut back to the institution, where Kenan and Kel start a Thriller-style dance number with all the other psychos, beat up the security guards - thats right, not sneak past, BEAT UP - and escape.
They get back in time to stop anybody eats the special sauce, even though Kel has to perform a diving tackle on an old woman.

Kenan and Kel break into Mondo Burger to expose the fact they are using an illegal substance called Tryampithol to make huge burgers. Kel pours a load of it into the burger machine, which apparantly causes the meat to destablise, explode and, as far as I can tell, kill several restaurant patrons.
Anyway, the day is saved, and, well, that's it.

I HATED this film. I did not laugh at anything, except for the occasional nervous uncomfortable titter at something so racist I would be shocked if it was in a rude stand-up act, let alone a children's film.
I do not like the phrase 'Black Humour' for a start, because it is racist. I don't care how many people argue against this, it IS racist. Its discludes anyone who isn't of one a particular race, and that is the dictionary definition of racism.
The thing is, this film isn't even Black Humour! It is just TRYING to be Black Humour, which is worse! It's like the Hitler Youth! People are trying to get black people while they are young, so they are ready to hate white people when they get older! Nickelodeon should be ashamed. They have released shit, but never racist shit.

VERDICT - DON'T EVEN BOTHER

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Manos : The Hands Of Fate

DISASTER AT THE FIRST TURN!

Bad news folks, my first review is going to have to be changed. I was planning to review 'The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button', the new film with Brad Pitt, but could not, as every seat in the cinema was sold out.
I apoligise if anyone was looking forward to this specific review, but I have had to pick a different film instead.
I decided to get things off to a flying start with the cult classic, Manos : The Hands Of Fate.



Manos : The Hands of Fate is a horrifically dull film, but most of all, an absolute bastard to review because NOTHING HAPPENS!
There is, of course, a vague story, but it is forgotten through awful dialogue, awkward pauses and terrible cuts that, at first, made me think the DVD was skipping.

The movie starts with a man, his wife, their daughter and the family dog going on holiday. The husband's first line is "I have never gotten us lost before", so we can pretty much assume they are about to get lost.
The moment the little girl spoke, I knew something was wrong. Hang on, that's not her speaking! I paused the film and looked it up. Because of the way it was filmed, all the voices in this movie had to be re-recorded, but only three people were available. That's right, three people did every voice in this thing, and none of them had much range.

The music used as the family drive sounds like the theme from a 1970s prono. This normally wouldn't seem much of a problem if its in the background, but in this film its all you hear, because they drive around uneventfully for about fifteen minutes!
The only break is when they get pulled over for having a broken tail-light, but since the police officer is voiced by the same man as the father, the whole scene sounds like a guy with schizophrenia.
Anyway, they eventually end up at, I don't know, some kind of house, or shed, or something. It is guarded by Torgo. Now, I think he is supposed to be a Satyr, you know, the half man, half goats? Really, he just looks like a tramp with big legs.

Torgo keeps making cryptic references to 'The Master'. We see a spooky painting of The Master and his pet hell-hound, but this isn't enough to freak out the Stupidsons, who decide to stay the night, much to Torgo's dismay.
During the night, their poodle is torn to shreds, but the daughter doesn't seem to mind, as she has made friends with The Master's demonic doberman. She says something about being in a dark place but not being scared. It is now we are introduced to The Master.

From this point on, you are going to wish you were back watching the family drive around in silence.

The Master, or, I assume, Manos, although nobody calls him this, looks a little bit like a deeply pissed off Freddie Mercury. He is wearing a robe similar to those t-shirts slutty girls wear, that look like someone with paint on their hands has grabbed their breasts, except the hands on this robe are about five feet long. On occasions you can actually see this guy's rolled-up jeans under the red and black poncho.
The Master is surrounded by his dozen or so wives, who Torgo enjoys touching up while they are asleep. When they all wake up, they discuss whether they should be joined in their eternal lives by just Mrs Stupidson, or her daughter as well. They cannot decide, so instead, they wrestle in a very homoerotic (lesboerotic?) way, which is hilarious to listen to, since all the arguing voices are being done by one very over-worked woman.

The husband somehow finds out about their plans, and decides to put a stop to them. While he gets his gun, the master decides to kill Torgo for some undisclosed reason. He does this by gettiing his wives to just sort of, wail on Torgo, slapping him about and pulling his hair. Then they put his hand in a fire, and he runs off, sleeve alight, never to be seen or heard of again.
At this point, Mr Stupidson walks in and begins shooting The Master to no effect, who begins walking towards the screen as the camera fades out.
Our final scene shows two girls driving out in the country, only to stop and find Mr Stupidson doing the job that Torgo once did, DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMMM!


This film is awful. I cannot actually put into words how badly produced it is. For a start, you can't actually hear many of the lines, there are only two peices of music, and it looks like it was filmed on a camera-phone.
This, of course, doesn't make it bad. Some of the finest horror movies were made with practically no budget.
What makes it bad is that unlike most cheap horrors, where a lack of special effects leads to a better story and more suspense, in this film, simply nothing happens.
It is also incredibly tasteless. At the end, we see that The Master has claimed both mother AND young daughter as his wives, hinting at pedophilia.
It's probably worth watching just so you can see how unbeleivably bad it is.

Oh, and by the way, translated, the title is 'HANDS :The Hands of Fate'.


VERDICT - OH...MY...GOD...



For MANOS info, go to http://imdb.com/title/tt0060666/