Monday, 9 February 2009



Whilst going through my excessive DVD collection yesterday, deciding finally on Manos, I found some movies I haven't seen in ages, and some even, that I haven't seen at all.
One movie was a complete surprise. I don't remember buying it, there is no sign on the disc that it was a freebie, so I thought 'what the hell' and decided to review it.
That film was Goodburger.

This film falls into the 'self-racism' category, where black people make a black film for other black people, so full of sterotypes that they may as well have hired Al Jolson to do the whole thing using Golly dolls as puppets.
It stars Kenan and Kel of 'The Kenan And Kel Show' fame. For those who can't remember, Kenan is the fat one and Kel is the idiot.

From the moment you see 'Nickelodeon Movies', you know this is not going to be the best film you ever see, and this is confired by the inclusion of flying talking burgers within a minute of viewing.
Kel plays a fry cook at the local Goodburger fast food restaurant, and he clearly enjoys being cool and dumb, as he sings a song about being a dude as he skates to work.
The first real 'joke' in this movie is when Kel, or 'Ed', becomes tangled in a skipping rope, and drags a girl no older than 8 across the concrete, her head smashing into the ground as she goes...hilarious.
This tasteless humour continiues as he knocks over a young mother, effectively stealing her baby, accidentally swaps it for a ball with a group of basketball players who then DUNK THE BABY!

This is sick, and its a bloody kid's film!

Finally arriving at work, we meet the staff of Goodburger, Fat Manager, Old Man, Nerdy White Boy, Nerdy White Girl, and Black Girl. Unsurprisingly, Black Girl (I didn't bother to note down any real names) is the only other employee with a real main part.

After it explained that there is a new 'Mondo Burger' opening soon which threatens to close Goodburger, we cut to Kenan asleep in school, being taught by the badly-wigged Mr Stereotype. He is wearing dico gear on whioch is written 'Black And Proud', and 'Black Is Beautiful'. If the Nazis had been black, they would have made films like this.

Back to Goodburger, where Kel is sent on an urgent delivery. Of course, he doesn't usually do this, but the delivery boy, O'Mally, has been fired for showing up at work with no trousers on. (Stupid Irish jokes, really?)
Anyway, in the next 10 minutes or so (I am not explaining in detail, because the film-makers really over-complicated this bit) Kel skates in front of Kenan's car and Kenan crashes into Mr Stereotype's car, messing up his afro. Unfortunately, Kenan has 'borrowed' his mum's car, and without a license or insurance, his teacher is going to call the police, as much as he would hate, and I quote "putting a black man in jail".
Kenan decides to get a summer job, and will pay his teacher's repair bills over the summer.
When he tries at Mondo Burger, he doesn't do well enough for the harsh, relentless, evil, WHITE managers.
That's right, the only parts for white people are as baddies. If you wanted a smaller part, you could be one of the all-white evil Mondo Burger employees. In fact, the tiny parts, as long as they are either rude or nerdy, are filled by white people.

Kenan manages to get a job at Goodburger, but the opening of Mondo Burger essentially puts them out of business, making the manager have to feed his mother cat food. (I am not making this up, this stuff actually happens!)
They are soon back in business when Kel makes a sauce so good that everyone comes back to Goodburger.
Kenan uses Kel's stupiditiy to get 80% of the money made for doing nothing, and this is the good guy.

Mondo Burger catch on to this, and attempt to steal the sauce ingredients using a hot girl who Kel actually hospitalises, and go as far as putting Kenan and Kel into a mental institution, where we get to meet unhilarious, scarily realistic patients. One particualr psychopath catches the attention of Kel, and they fall in love, even though she burns things, and breaks into zoos to free Kangaroos.

While Kenan and Kel are missing, Mondo Burger employees sneak into Goodburger and put Shark Poison into the special sauce, but before any tension is allowed to build up, we cut back to the institution, where Kenan and Kel start a Thriller-style dance number with all the other psychos, beat up the security guards - thats right, not sneak past, BEAT UP - and escape.
They get back in time to stop anybody eats the special sauce, even though Kel has to perform a diving tackle on an old woman.

Kenan and Kel break into Mondo Burger to expose the fact they are using an illegal substance called Tryampithol to make huge burgers. Kel pours a load of it into the burger machine, which apparantly causes the meat to destablise, explode and, as far as I can tell, kill several restaurant patrons.
Anyway, the day is saved, and, well, that's it.

I HATED this film. I did not laugh at anything, except for the occasional nervous uncomfortable titter at something so racist I would be shocked if it was in a rude stand-up act, let alone a children's film.
I do not like the phrase 'Black Humour' for a start, because it is racist. I don't care how many people argue against this, it IS racist. Its discludes anyone who isn't of one a particular race, and that is the dictionary definition of racism.
The thing is, this film isn't even Black Humour! It is just TRYING to be Black Humour, which is worse! It's like the Hitler Youth! People are trying to get black people while they are young, so they are ready to hate white people when they get older! Nickelodeon should be ashamed. They have released shit, but never racist shit.


1 comment:

  1. Really I so wanna see it now just to see how bad it is! I love Kenan and Kel and I ate at goodburger the other week lol!